A Funny Time to Be Gay by Ed Karvoski Jr

Author:Ed Karvoski Jr.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: A Fireside Book
Published: 1997-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

I grew up in a crazy family. We were very dysfunctional. What a surprise!!

Being gay and Jewish, I would watch all the TV shows in hopes of seeing someone like me. Everyone on TV was so sweet and nice, all widows and widowers raising kids. So I shot my father in the leg so we could be happy too.

My family was so insane. We’d watch The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, and even The Cosbys. We, however, were the Manson family!

All the TV families resolved their problems in thirty minutes and everyone was happy pappy. Our problems ended in thirty minutes, too—but ours always involved the police!

My parents are divorced, and my father met a nice gal . nice for an eighteen-year-old! They had a wonderful wedding. They served ice cream and cake.

My father bought my stepmother a house in the Hollywood Hills that cost $5 million. My mother got just a little pissed. She stabbed my stepmother. But it’s OK. It’s a small wound, and she’s going to be on Hard Copy, so we’re real proud.

We had a lot of fights in our family. Now, WASPS know how to have a family fight: they go down to the basement, pull down the shades, talk it over, and everyone’s happy pappy. Jews, Blacks, Italians, and Latinos, on the other hand, for a big family fight, we wait for a holiday! Your mother runs out on the lawn with a knife! She’s wearing a tube top and culottes. She screams, “Why are you doing this to me?!” I scream back, “Because you’re wearing a tube top and culottes!! Please take them off!” And my mother did-right there in front of the neighbors!

As I get older, my brother and I have gotten closer. He always asks me, “What role do you play in a gay relationship? Are you the man or the woman?” I say, “What do you mean what role do I play? I play Patty Duke in The Miracle Worker!”

My family had a real problem with my ex-boyfriend, who was black. My mom would always say, “It’s not enough that he’s not Jewish, he has to be black, too— and gay?!

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